Death vs Divorce

So many widows come to a point where someone refers to their divorce as similar to your spouses passing. As if some war needs to waged to determine which is more painful. I assure you that you will absolutely feel a sudden urge to release all your anger out on this person. I know I have numerous times. However, before you do and before I deep dive into this subject

I need you to take a deep breath and forgive this person for only understanding from their level of pain. For wanting so desperately to share their own hurt and betrayal with you, and wanting to relate as much as they possibly can to you.

As a widow I do know that nothing compares to the finality of death however as a writer and as someone who now fully understands the psychology behind grief I can agree there are similarities, but they are absolutely not one in the same. And when us widowers hear someone insinuate that they are its almost as if our pain is being downplayed.

I think we all can agree... divorcee or widower... that death is final.

There will never be another conversation, another argument, another discussion on what to do with the kids. There is simply nothing, nowhere to put misplaced hate, and nowhere to put blame, there is nowhere to put the love we still have in our hearts. There is no possible second or third chance, there is no late-night phone call when you can't stop crying and just need the familiarity of their voice on the other end of the line.

There are divorces that are ugly and I understand that. There are divorces where it may be simply one sided. I understand that. But I think ultimately there were always choices to be made and if a divorce is ugly its usually because of things that were said or allowing your pain to dictate your relationship. An ugly divorce only means that bad choices were made along the way and sometimes accepting that gives you the freedom to keep a basic relationship with your spouse.

I know I speak for me when I say that when my husband's death is compared to a divorce it triggers something deep inside my soul.

And the reason for my triggers is pretty cut and dry.

• My husband and I loved each other very much and neither of us wanted to be apart

• I still have so much love to give that man and I don't have any place to put that love

• My husband and I were best friends, we literally had a total of 5 arguments in 20 years of marriage.

• He chose me and I chose him every single day or our lives.

• We never allowed outside forces to sway our love, we communicated even when we didn't agree.

  
  

  So how could the betrayal of any marriage hurt more or even less than death.

  It doesn't, it simply does not go hand in hand.

For many divorced people there may be kids involved. For many of those children they might not physically have their parent with them every day, but they also know that the other parent is simply a phone call away.

Both divorce and widowhood involve the loss of a partner and the life you built together, and also loss of future plans. However, the psychological, social and emotional dynamics of that loss differ in so many ways.

Personally, I can say for me that I would have much rather my husband divorce me. He would still be breathing the same air as my children. If I truly needed him, he would show up. There is no finality when it comes to divorce.

And even if there wasn't a chance of us working on our marriage I often wonder sometimes, If hating my husband would be easier than the pain of his death.

I wouldn't mind so much because at least love turned to hate from betrayal sounds so much better than watching the person you love most fight for their life for an entire year and then holding them close as they struggle to breath while you whisper in their ear "I love you and its ok to go" knowing damn well you don't have a clue how you will survive but selfishly wanting them with you while they suffer is not what love is.

I actually think the comparison is one of the most irrational things to compare. And I say that only coming from my own perspective. I am not one to beg for anyone to stay in my life, and if even my husband wanted to leave me I would grant him my blessings. I understand that's just me but its true.

Can grief be one in the same? I don't think so. There are layers to grief just like there are layers to anything else. I have spoken to plenty of people who are divorced.

Now lets see how this sounds backwards...

"I understand your divorce because my husband is dead."

It doesn't sound right. It doesn't even sound like you can compare the two... right?

Imagine how selfish I am when I say I would prefer my husband to walk out the door than to be dead?

Personally, I would really prefer that. But that's right, there was nothing I could personally do to keep his heart beating.

I would never downplay anyone's pain however choices were made that led to a divorce and yes choices on both sides whether one side wants to admit it or not. My husband's death was not a choice on either side.

Now both require a reconstruction of identity sort of speak.

One is fueled by loss and the other is fueled by betrayal. And isn't it pretty amazing how much fuel we can get from hating or being angry with someone versus the fuel we gain from loss and no where to place the anger we have in our hearts.

Death is final... your divorce only gets as messy as you allow it. One forces responsibility and the other forces acceptance.

I understand pain. And I am not downplaying the pain of betrayal however to the person that compares death to their divorce I would really like it if you paused and pictured your ex-spouse in a coffin. Picture your children over that coffin without them being able to understand the finality of their parents death. And then revisit this conversation with a widow.

Pain is universal I understand that. I also understand that pain is only perceived at the level of which you understand it. There may be similarities to the "loss" but I assure you they are not the same.